urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey shooey shooey 2008-12-11T06:15:42Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:102682 2008-12-11T06:15:42Z 2008-12-11T06:15:42Z same shit.<br />working. working. working.<br />makin' money... payin' bills, livin' life. <br />i'm feelin' alright these days..<br />they're better.<br />not much to say though...<br />just ...well.. i miss cassi and tiff! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:102268 2008-10-16T16:07:50Z 2008-10-16T16:07:50Z matt and i broke up.<br />he's been trying to find other girls on different websites.<br />that's fine.<br />also, he plans on moving to LA for sure with Roger if Roger's wife, Madeline, says it's okay.<br />and that's find too..<br />because i know that matt is just no good for me.<br />a year and some odd months later, i've finally comes to terms with being without man, being uninvolved, just being alone and focusing, for real this time, on myself. my future. my well-being. <br /><br />cass came over last night and that was nice for the short time we spent here..<br />we started to watch a good movie and the cable went out.. they were workin on the lines.<br />that's alright though, it was nice seeing her.<br />better than sitting at home by myself, beings i'm not completely ready to just be home allll of the timmme. heh.<br /><br />in other news- i go back to work wednesday the 22nd (i think). or somewhere around there.<br /><br />i wake up hungry every morning and just don't eat.<br /><br />though grace and i made an awesome-like dinner last night.<br />lots of food that we just started grabbing from the pantries and throwing together, turned out nice... did the job! we were all full! :)<br /><br />so no new news really, i just float along.<br />got the porch cleaned off yesterday, i'm talkin' got the shop vac and completely sucked up all the big butt spiders from the front porch and sprayed them all dead. [almost]. then scrubbed the siding, so clean. it was really really bad lol. now i have to take all the stuff off of the front porch and clean it, etc.<br />then clean my car and room.<br />laundry day today for me..<br />hooray.<br /><br />nothin more<br /><br />-k- urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:102027 2008-10-02T22:57:31Z 2008-10-02T22:57:31Z today was... an off day.<br />i actually slept! got up at 6:30AM as usual and took care of some things. took old man tim to the hardware store watched tv with my mom and then laid down for a nap, slept for a lonngg time felt awesome!<br /><br />i haven't seen matt in like 4 days and haven't stayed the night with him in 9 nights. it's so weird having a 'breather' but i'm doing good! and i miss him sooo much. <br /><br />i sent him a card yesterday that said "they say out of sight out of mind.. and they're right! you're out of sight and i'm out of my mind!' ;]<br />wrote him a few lines.<br /><br />wedding to go to this saturday, matt's friend matt hensley is getting married. i finally got to go visit my dad in jail last sunday.. considering i hadn't seen him since june 18th. it was sad. <br />watching him walk out on his crutches in stripes. i was shaking and crying, he teared up. nichole and i visited him together. we talked business finances and such..<br />i'm going to visit him as much as i can every weekend since visiting is only sat and sundays. i go to church every sunday and after that, nichole and i visit him. <br />i printed out some pictures for him i'm going to send when i get a big envelope. i miss him so much man.. i wasn't able to hug him, just see him through the glass. <br />ok<br />i gotta go.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:101646 2008-09-08T01:31:02Z 2008-09-08T01:31:02Z matt's up north fishing trip went well.<br />he had a lot of fun besides that pike bit him lol.<br /><br />----------<br /><br />i had last thurs and fri off..<br /><br />then i worked yesterday, worked today, and i work monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday. 7 fricken days in a row! :(<br /><br />i did get that raise though but the shifts she's working me are the morning shifts, 8-4s or 9-5s.<br />UGH.<br /><br />it's all good though, i still love working there, just need to search around for odd jobs on craigslist or something for extra cash.<br />i hung out with tiffers and cass friday, had fun.<br />then sister nichole's yesterday for a dinner party, that was also fun.<br />sober fun!<br />:)<br /><br /><br />not much else to say.<br />it's getting late-ish...<br />going to get ready for bed to be to work tomorrow.<br />YAH i know.. i'm boring. <br />sod off! <br /><br />-k- urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:101445 2008-09-05T18:10:57Z 2008-09-05T18:10:57Z so.<br /><br />i've been working a lot.<br />still at subway but that's fine cause i actually really like working there.<br />i work with all girls and it's pretty fun!<br />usually my shifts are in the morning.. 9-4 or 8-4... sometimes midshift... 11AM-7PM<br /><br />anyways.<br /><br />my health insurance is about to be cancelled because the worker didn't return my phone call so i just called again and left her a message.<br />hopefully she actually calls me back this time and i can keep my health insurance. BLAH!<br /><br />-----<br /><br />on another note: matt just left to go up north with his friend matt hensley until sunday.<br />**---i quit drinking!!!---*<br /><br />today is officially my first week of being sober. :) victoria's birthday was yesterday and i would have loved to go out with her and have some drinks, i even considered going out with her and just staying sober but i don't have enough sobriety in me to NOT drink. heh...<br /><br />so i stayed over here at matt's, watched a movie, fell asleep.<br />it felt SO good having yesterday and today off, i got to sleep in, woke up, cleaned out my car.<br />well, first i had somehow locked my keys in my car, i threw them in my purse but they must have fallen out and then i locked the doors. DOIK! so matt's dad drove me to my house to get my spare key.<br />then we picked up matt's check, he gave me $20. i want to buy another tanning package with it but in all actuality, i can't afford it beings my next paycheck and the piddly amount i have in the bank is all going to go towards my car payment.<br />BLAAHHH what fun.<br /><br />tonight my mom aunt diane and i are going to go play bingo at st. annes church like we used to. hopefully aunty buys for me cause i def. can't afford it. let's win some money!!! lol<br /><br />hands down...--- victoria is the coolest chick i have ever met, she's a CNA and only 22 years old, shes still going to college to for her bachelors in nursing. she's just got all her shit together and she still has fun. we met through work. if it weren't for her, i would have just let the repo come take my car. :/ but she said KEEP THAT CAR! <br /><br />anywho--<br /><br />not much else to say, just thought i'd ramble on a bit since i haven't posted in a while.<br />i miss my dad.<br />going to finish this letter i've been writing to him. thats all folks!<br /><br />-k- urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:101191 2008-08-06T03:34:38Z 2008-08-06T03:34:38Z This past weekend was awesome.<br />Went to roger and madeline's wedding in toledo, oh... it was held at the tameron country club... it was a GREAT turn out!<br />drink, drank, drunk.<br />my matty was the best man and he looked so nice. :)<br />i was piss'd cause i didn't get any pictures of me in my dress but ohz wellz. <br /><br />after the wedding, the whole bridal party got hotel rooms at the comfort inn in toledo, it was a CRAZY night but so much drunken fun it was unbelievable! rachel lost her phone that she had *just* gotten that day :/<br />-at 9AM roger knocked on me and matt's door to get goin home..<br />i drove matt, annie and her husband zach to rogers dads in erie.<br />then drove them to rogers mom's in monroe.<br />then FINALLY got to matts to take a shower and just reeelaxxxx<br /><br />i danced my booty off at the wedding, idc if i looked stupid at hell, i had so much fun and i'm glad i went... <br />my thighs STILL hurt from dancing <br />BUT! BUT BUT BUT<br /><br />I ACTUALLY GOT MATT TO DANCE TO A FAST SONG WITH ME FOR LIKE 35 SECONDS! amazing.<br />then he and i slow danced.. ladedah.<br /><br />everything turned out perfectly.<br /><br />oh! it was so funny, one of the brides maid's and one of the groom's men somehow got into the laundry employee closet and did the damn thing... <br />not knowing it was all being recorded until security opened the door on them, caught 'em in the action and all the guy walked out with on was just his tie... the girl walked out covering herself. SO FUNNY! <br /><br />--<br /><br /><br />anyways, it's late and i work tomorrow.<br /><br />this saturday though, sarah, matt, sarah's fella and i will be at the statepark having BBQ's and the solo cups.<br />it'll be around noonish till - ? <br /><br />7996914 if you want to come, or just show up!!<br /><br />PC urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:100961 2008-07-20T07:33:19Z 2008-07-20T07:33:19Z tonight.<br /><br />i h**e matt.<br /><br /><br />he tells me i'm not pretty enough for him... <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />seriously... <br /><br /><br />whatever<br /><br />i'm not a hot ass tennis player.<br />i'm not a cute bitch with a cute voice.<br />i'm not a complete skinny twig with a great personality.<br />i'm not a happy-go-lucky fuck who acts like they love life and everything/everyone around them.<br />i'm not, i'm just not not not.<br /><br /><br />i'm not perfect, i don't plan to be... but who does? well i'm sure some people do, i sure as hell do NOT.<br /><br /><br />*sigh for real* man-o-man...<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />well, i AM O.K. after all. this laptop is about to die...<br /><br /><br />whatever life.<br />we'll see.<br /><br /><br />{continuing to watch girl interrupted}<br /><br />.&gt;&gt;... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:100657 2008-07-10T01:16:02Z 2008-07-10T01:17:44Z Tomorrow is Matty's 24th birthday!<br /><br />[us on the 4th of july]<br /><br /><a href="http://s8.photobucket.com/albums/a18/katso/?action=view&amp;current=pic070308_6.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a18/katso/pic070308_6.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><br />...he was watching the fireworks, i was snappin' shitty pics. ;p<br /><br />i have today, tomorrow, friday, saturday and sunday off.<br />this weekend should be a lot of fun...<br />can't wait!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:100390 2008-07-06T00:33:19Z 2008-07-06T00:33:19Z work work work work work work worrrkkkinnggg<br /><br /><br />so far i've worked at:<br /><br />state park party store<br /><br />tiffany's pizza<br /><br />subway<br /><br />subway<br /><br />drove an ice cream truck<br /><br />checkers<br /><br />sensational beginnings<br /><br />cici's pizza<br /><br />circle k<br /><br />and i think im forgetting one or two...<br /><br />and now. back at subway! third time's a charm.. hah<br /><br /><br /><br />anyways, besides working, i fish. a lot.<br />and get myself back into college.<br /><br /><br /><br />as for my social life, it's pretty sweet. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:100279 2008-06-23T02:26:04Z 2008-06-23T02:26:04Z up north was fricking sweet.<br />it wasn't just a cabin on the water... it was a whole house! and a brand new pontoon boat with a built in stereo. i caught like 6 fish, blue gill and rock bass. <br />i made matt take all of them off the hook. <br /><br />i was sooo peaceful though and much much needed, it was basically just matt and i the entire time. i might post some pictures if i can scan them. i only had disposable cameras. <br /><br />back to work tomorrow, the funs over! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:100063 2008-06-09T23:54:34Z 2008-06-09T23:54:34Z probation is paid off.<br />they still extended it for another 3 months though but that's fine. doesn't bother me.<br />dad's back in jail.<br />i have a job.<br />i had 3 interviews, got all 3 jobs and kept one.<br /><br />where the hell is nichole soule? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:99465 2008-05-05T17:35:26Z 2008-05-05T17:35:26Z Why hello...<br />Nothing's new, still unemployed but looking for work wherever I can.<br /><br />the other day my dad was crawling under the house to fix something with the plumbing, it was like 8am in the morning. he didn't tell anyone he was going under there, everyone else was still asleep. <br /><br />funny part--<br /><br />while he was army crawling to where he was trying to get to under the house, his prosthetic leg came off of his "stump". HAHAHA. so he's yelling for help cause he's now stuck even worse with the fake leg dangling in his jeans. my mom heard him, awoke, and thought he was yelling 'hell ! hell ! hell !" at my uncle david, cause he's always yelling at david. my aunt diane heard him yelling too but thought the same of what my mom did and pushed her ear plugs further in. finally after a while, Tim, the guy who lives in the loft, heard him and got him out. i wasn't home but when my mom told me what happened, it was a good laugh... served him right!<br /><br />and so back to reality, everyday is a bummer, i found that kroger was hiring for cashiers and applied online, in which i had put 3 online apps in over last summer and winter. they called for me an interview last summer but i was already working. then i called last monday and they said they weren't hiring anymore..."well then take the damn ad out of the paper!!' <br />it's so hard to find anywhere to work right now.<br />as far as my car goes, my dad put storage insurance on it and it's just going to sit somewhere until it sells. WHICH, is fine with me because i don't even want the damn thing anymore. if i'm not driving it, i'm not going to make any sort of effort to pay on it monthly, let the bank come and reposess it, i don't care... credit is re-buildable.<br /><br />---<br /><br />i've started drinking wine now, it's fruity and relaxing. <br />probation is almost over, i go to report tomorrow morning. still owe the state $190, i paid $500 already. after my doc. appointment today, good ole' ice cream selling time...<br /><br /><br />i'm at matt's, he's fishing right now, i'm going to shower soon, read, then head out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:99111 2008-02-21T22:01:31Z 2008-02-21T22:01:31Z so i work at cici's pizza now.<br />cool i guess.<br />there's A SHITLOAD to learn though, eventually i'll get in the groove of getting things going systematically. they should really have two people doing prep (thats what i do)<br /><br /><br />BY THE WAY--- the way they make pasta, and the thing they make the pasta in is GROSS. eat it at your own will lol.<br /><br /><br />well im ok.<br />are you ok? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:98865 2008-02-11T12:19:18Z 2008-02-11T12:19:18Z Early. I tried to sleep in my bed last night but couldn't because my twin niece and nephew are over visiting and emily has croupe cough. so... made myself a little bed on the floor in front of the fire place.. grace was watching t.v. so it was hard to fall asleep, and when i finally DID fall asleep, my fat ass uncle david kept putting his ass in my face to keep the fire going. so i was woke up every hour from midnight-4am... finally said FUCK IT.. and got up.<br /><br />dad was awake so he made me pancakes and i tried to fall asleep in his bed but he was coughing too.<br /> whateverrrr<br /><br /><br />so im going to go over andy's and get some sleep. dad's taking my car to take linda to work then im off.<br /><br />headache. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:98626 2008-02-10T18:15:23Z 2008-02-10T18:15:23Z nothing.<br />i learned to try and make amends with the people i've hurt throughout my drinking days whether or not they accept my apology.<br /><br />i haven't told anyone yet, i tried to msg someone on aim but the shit laptop wouldn't let me.<br />maybe im better off not trying so hard. whatever anyways<br /><br /><br />job!<br />i found one :)<br /><br />money money yesssssssss urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:98454 2008-01-19T13:12:59Z 2008-01-19T13:12:59Z so lastnight i drank like two little cups of red wine. went to sleep around 930 or 10...<br />drempt.<br /><br />I drempt that my aunt diane was in jail and needed out because she snorted ecstacy and xanax and was freaking out...<br />and she had been fostering like 4 children at her house illagally so they came to my house and were outside running around in the snow and playing, freezing their cute little butts off so i invited them in for hot cocoa but couldn't find any so i started to freak out and felt bad.<br /><br />then all my friends.. which is like... 5... were in my backyard in the form of porcupines.<br /><br />and for some reason, allison stininger was the main porcupine of the group and this is the like.. 4th time i've had a dream about her in 2 weeks. weird.<br /><br />so yea.<br />drink red wine and you'll trip while you're asleep.<br /><br />gaahhh!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:98074 2008-01-12T03:42:49Z 2008-01-12T03:42:49Z if i didn't have bills..<br />credit cards.<br />car payments.<br />depression.<br /><br />i would probably be just fine.<br />i should have done it like my other friends... never get a job, let mom or dad pay my way through life for a little while, and i'd be just fine!!!<br /><br />i would love life, the people in it, and myself.<br /><br />but.<br /><br />it's never too late for change.<br /><br />so much for becoming a mad scientist...<br />guess we all were never meant to be... went out separate ways.<br />miss yous all the same. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:97921 2008-01-10T23:16:55Z 2008-01-10T23:16:55Z it's just another year.<br />could be a good time to start over... turn over a new leaf..<br />but it's really not that big of a deal.. just.another.year, another.day.<br /><br />my face hurts.<br />doc gave me PK's for the pain.<br />but it still hurts.<br /><br />what's everyone been up to? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:97757 2008-01-07T06:26:26Z 2008-01-07T06:26:26Z my face is numb which sucks and my left eye is bruised now too but that's a good sign of healing. i'm doing alright i feel better now that i'm at my mom's. my dad called today to talk to my mom and tell her he was 'worried about me'... but really he just wanted to argue. he claims that he didn't do it and will probably plead temporary insanity.. who knows. <br />i'm ok though really like i said its not surprising to me that this happened..<br /><br />on another note, i still need a job! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:97351 2008-01-05T07:36:33Z 2008-01-05T07:36:33Z thursday night he punched me in the face 10-15 times until my mom could get him off of me.<br />i have a completely bruised and swollen black eye, 8 stiches in my forehead and three in my lip.<br />my facial cheek bones are broken and i might need surgery after the swelling goes down due to deformity.<br />he didn't apologize and told the police i came home like this, then told them he seen me run into the door. hes a liar..<br />his bail was $2000 on a 10,000 charity bond and someone bailed him out not knowing why he was in there...<br /><br />i'm in a LOT of pain emotionally and physically...<br />for my dad to actually hold me down and punch me in the face, all the while im saying 'dad i'm sorry stop i love you i just wanted a hug..'... is beyond me.<br />i really don't know what to do, i can't even go out and look for a job like this..<br /><br />whyyyy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:97114 2007-12-23T17:40:14Z 2007-12-23T17:40:14Z so pretty much all of the people in monroe pop pills, smoke pot and get drunk to have fun these days...<br /><br />thats the only way they can love life.<br /><br />i quit drinking.<br />i quit taking xanax.<br />and i don't smoke pot!<br /><br />oh, and i quit my job.<br />please don't tell my dad. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:96815 2007-11-24T03:47:13Z 2007-11-24T03:47:13Z well kids! nothing is new here- still need a job desperatly..<br /><br />and so on and so on.<br />probation sucks. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:96639 2007-11-02T04:41:40Z 2007-11-02T04:41:40Z blah blah blah.<br />lastnight. halloween party at my house..<br />too many fucking people but it was pretty fun... i was way fucked up out of my mind. heh..<br />ill be 21 on sunday. its been a long time coming... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:96302 2007-10-25T20:29:22Z 2007-10-25T20:29:22Z profound pain is often the unavoidable reality of a conscious existence. how less tolerable that loss will be if we compound it internally with a sense of guilt.<br />guilt.<br />it is the easiest of feelings to conjure, and the most insidious. it is rooted in the selfishness of individuality, though for some people, it usually finds its source in the suffering of others.<br />what i understand now, as never before, is that guilt is not the driving force behind responsibility. if we act in a goodly way because we are afraid of he we will feel if we do not, then we have not truly come to seperate the concept of right and wrong. for there is a level above that, and understanding of friendship and loyalty. i do not choose to stand beside my friends to alleviate guilt. i do so because in that, and in their reciprocal friendship, we are both the stronger and the better. our lives become worth so much more.<br /><br />-------<br />_yesterday_- a whole lot of nothingness and then church. after church, nothingness then high speed chases throughout the west side of monroe. THAT was scary... i had two people in the car with me and i was trying to out run my dad... i made it to the academy where i thought we'd be safe but then i seen his headlights.. all like FUCK.. and there was no more road, just trees everywhere. it was a horrible decision to make to try and out run him.<br />i paid my car up until january, and i own it, but he tooks the keys and thats bullshit cause its in MY name. <br />whatever, i understand they're worried about me because i get drunk and crazy but lastnight i wasn't drinking and didn't want to.. oh well.<br />matt wants me to move to lansing with him but i need to finish this semester out and see what happens . like, yea.. i hate monroe, but i'm mentally not even ready right now to just get up and leave. too much shit going on..<br /><br />today will just be another empty day. i just woke up from a nap and i just want to nap again and again.. <br />tomorrow is friday and usually i'd be expecting a pay check but i quit my job.. heh. not even able to get any monies beside the 700 some that i got the other day from my grant for school.<br />fuckkk it alll as usual.<br /><br />mod. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:shooey:96138 2007-08-17T04:04:35Z 2007-08-17T04:04:35Z A warning sign<br />I missed the good part then I realised<br />I started looking and the bubble burst<br />I started looking for excuses<br /><br />Come on in<br />I've got to tell you what a state I'm in<br />I've got to tell you in my loudest tones<br />That I started looking for a warning sign<br /><br />When the truth is<br />I miss you<br />Yeah the truth is<br />That I miss you so<br /><br />A warning sign<br />You came back to haunt me and I realised<br />That you were an island and I passed you by<br />You were an island to discover<br /><br />Come on in<br />I've got to tell you what a state I'm in<br />I've got to tell you in my loudest tones<br />That I started looking for a warning sign<br /><br />And the truth is<br />I miss you<br />Yeah the truth is<br />I miss you so<br />And I'm tired<br />I should not have let you go<br /><br />So I crawl back into your open arms<br />Yes I crawl back into your open arms<br />And I crawl back into your open arms<br />Yes I crawl back into your open arms<br /><br /><br />----------------------------------------<br /><br />boofuckingwhoo... i'm getting depressed again and i don't like it.<br />i think i know why.<br />and i just don't know what to do..<br />i've been O.K. for a long while, really, i've been alright..<br /><br />YEA ALRIGHT.<br />ugh.<br /><br />i just really don't know what to do or say, i don't know who to turn to or what to even say to the person if i DID turn to them. i'm so apathetic towards things these days that i just do what i know i should do, what i feel i should do, school, work. that's about it. <br />the attachment thing gets the best of me... so? yea, so. THAT'S not O.K. that's fucking lame, that's some bullshit that you bring up to your highschool counselor while all he's thinking about is fucking the entire volleyball team. <br />i should be asleep, but instead... i'm sitting here feeling humiliated but at the same time, apathetic. ok, maybe not apathetic, because i tend to 'care' too much about myself and my appearence, my demeanor, my lies, my conscious, my boy.pause.friend, family, friends, school, the future.. typical stuff that a lot of people 'care' about too much. <br />that stupid saying 'life is too short..blablabla' fuck it, you gotta think about the bad shit once in a while, that's just human nature..<br />so? maybe i'll just leave.. the only thing holding me back before was my stupid car payment. i needn't worry about that anymore, my car is gonnneee. so i'll just go, i'll come back.. i won't leave soon, after this semester. i'll go.. somewhere. i have an idea where, and with who. we'll go together, she and i.<br /><br />we will.<br />knowing she'll go with me makes my heart 3 times happier, only 3, but why? so.?.<br /><br />fuckedupmeaninglessthoughts!